(Suggested listening music: Philip Glass - Metamorphosis #2)
Recently I’ve been passively analyzing memorable events in my life. I’m not sure what made these specifically stick, but they did. And I’m glad they did; they’ve helped me reach some conclusions now, which to me is an important life lesson, and I’d like to share it with others.
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I used to live with a friend of mine, 5 years ago. He’s still a good friend. Hell, those were some of the best years of my life. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment, where the living room served as my room, and the bedroom was his. We both worked from home for the same company, and we’d spend most of our days just at home. In the spare time, he would download shows for us to watch; we were specifically fond of a show called Scrubs, and we used to have dinner while watching it. The show made me laugh. And my friend would get more, and we would watch it to no end. Thinking back, I remember sensing a certain “satisfaction” radiating from my friend when we watched it. It was almost as if he did it for me. I didn’t give it much thought then.
I have another friend. He’s quite an interesting person. What’s interesting about him is that everybody seems to like him. I like him, a lot. But why? He’s a pretty normal guy, living with his girlfriend and dog. One of the things people like about him, I’ve come to realize, is how he makes them feel. This guy can make you feel good about anything, he’s incredibly agreeing and understanding, and being around him really makes you feel accepted and approved of.
A while ago, out of context, I asked him how he can be like that. He said that he had come to realize that it was not worth worrying about things in life that you couldn’t change. He would smile and laugh with everything, it was just easier that way.
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I grew up in a relatively small city, stores closed at the same time, no 7-11’s, and people knew each other. Like many of my fellow nerds, I’m sure, I never felt like the city was for me, and my interests also made it hard to fit in. I didn’t care much about soccer or pop-music, so I guess you could say I was kind of an outsider. I left that city, the country even, early in life, when I moved to Norway to work for Opera, at the age of 18.
Opera—wow! It was a whole company with people just like me. This is also where I met my ubiquitously liked friend mentioned earlier. Now, the culture at Opera was really something. You didn’t need friends outside the company, you had about 350 people there who had the same history as you, and they were all there for the same reason. This was the first time in life I could really relax and be myself. It was an amazing feeling to be around your peers, doing what you loved to do for a living, not having to pretend. I felt really good about myself.
I met my girlfriend there as well. She wasn’t a programmer or even a techie, but there was something about her. Maybe working for this company for years had made her see a different kind of person in us nerds. There aren’t that many women at Opera, and to find one within the company who liked me for who I was, was a one in a million chance, and I’ll be eternally grateful for meeting her. She has no doubt helped me become a better person and learn valuable lessons in life, such as this one.
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Like a lot of people who are tired of pretending, I’d imagine, in high-school I made a drastic decision. It went something like this: I’m done pretending. I don’t give a sh*t if people like me or not anymore, I’m going to be myself and the ones who can take it, will probably stick around. This was my mantra for years, and it became largely redundant when I found my peers in Norway. Rather extreme, if I think back, but… helpful. Educating. And as you might imagine, this left me with very little friends.
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Some people strive to gain approval of others. Many people are afraid that others won’t like them, and they put up a facade they think others will like. Like the other extreme, this will leave you with very little friends. Friends who truly know you, and accept you for who you are. You might have more acquaintances, but.. Yeah. It’s not real.
Then there’s the confident people who speak their mind and don’t give much priority to making other feel good about themselves. Because they already feel good about themselves by themselves, they don’t need to wear any masks to make others approve of them.
No, this is where I think the life lesson is. I think if you can truly be comfortable with yourself and be “self-sufficient”, then you can begin to make others feel good about themselves, for the purpose of just that. No ulterior motive, no insecurities, no candywrapping, just.. kindness. It’s about helping the ones you care about feel accepted and loved. It’s about putting other peoples feelings before your own, because you want to, for all the right reasons. It’s about being a good person.
It’s about how you make people feel.